Leftover Insecurities!

So I was doing some thinking today...
Because of the downturn in the economy my husband went to work out of town. I miss him. He is not here to weedeat, to fix the plumbing, to advise me when the car is making weird knocking noises, to discipline the eight year old when mommy is tired and frustrated. He is gone all week when I need to talk 'til 2 in the morning, when I want to share a "cute" grandbaby story, when I am sitting on the porch reveling in the first thunderstorm of the season. And I so miss him!

And I discover that his absence brings old insecurities to the surface. Insecurities left behind by a former marriage; a former husband who did not know what faithful meant. A previous marriage fraught with infidelity and betrayal.

After he is home this last weekend I notice a phone number scribbled on a scrap of paper by the computer. I do a reverse lookup. It is a cell phone number with an out of state prefix. I block my number and call. I can't breathe. I am afraid to hear the voice that answers. All I get is a women's voicemail. No name. I put the number aside and tell myself I am being silly.

It is late but I can't sleep. I know that my husband is true. He is loyal, staunch and dependable and furthermore....I KNOW he loves me. But my sleep is fitful and I wake in the morning feeling hung over.

After I have been up, had breakfast and watched Regis and Kelly, the devoted love of my life calls. I ask about the number. He searches his brain but cannot remember whose number it is. Finally hours later, he calls and tells me it is my sister-in-law. I look into my cellphone. Of course, we never memorize numbers anymore. We just click on the name. Alas! There is it. My sister-in-law. I truly feel like an idiot. But I must blame it on someone or something... Surely it is not my own fault I suffer this paranoid psychosis.

Darn Ex husbands!